p/o/e/m/s

Out to Lunch

 “Looking at the menu I said: "I'll take the ox-tongue with rice"

then I looked up and said "wow"

because to my surprise

the waitress was a cow

 

I looked down at the menu again

"no, no beef then" I mumbled like a hairless dickhead fumbling for his wig

"how 'bout some bacon and eggs?"

"we are out of eggs," she said, "and on top of that, the owner is a pig"

 

Okay, so, "what is your soup of the day?"

“The chicken soup," she said, "with lettuce"

'But, if I correctly recall when I came this way' 

'the doorman who is a cockerel, might take offence'

 

"Holy cow" - "Yes Sir" - "Okay then,"

"Do you have a seafood dish?"

"We do, but, fyi

the dishwasher is a fish."

 

"Alright then, is anyone else in this joint

a vegetable of some sort?”

“I'll go with a salad if not"

'Good choice, finally, I thought.'

As I looked over at the kitchen and I said 'what?!'

the cook, a cabbage head, was shaving his carrot.

 

Shit happens on the Moon

The Moon is floating up high

taking a bite of a dark sky

A pretty big celestial kite

that comes out at night

 

People have gone to the Moon

Pretty soon they will go to Mars

Either one is pretty cold

Either one is pretty far

 

The moon we can clearly see

it is round and pale and bright

it makes tides on rivers and seas

people pray and dogs howl

 

There is no air on the moon

but there is some human poop

of all the poop we know of

this is the most far flung

 

The moon is mooning us

with blatant defiance

to sabotage our dreams

of mooner science

 

We can already buy land on the moon

go up there and drill a hole

have some fun bouncing on it

take a break then bounce some more

 

Other planets have moons

but this is a special one

not the biggest of them all

but the one closest to us

 

This, in short, is all that we know

of this big pale space round rock

we might endeavor to know more

and go back, once the earth is gone.

Ant Farts

Ant farts are hard to hear

hard to smell yet so near

they cause minor headwinds

in hindsight of tiny hind legs

they cause minor earthquakes

yet nobody is scared, or cares

though many ants can eat an elephant.

 

4

There are only four kinds of people in this world

Cretins, Fools, Morons and Lunatics

Some carry hammers, others sticks

either way, they are pretty scary

Oh, and some are bold, others hairy.

 

There are also only two kinds of animals

Warm blooded animals and ticks

One sucks at having a conscience, the other sucks

Just like you and me

 

And finally there is only one type of tree

The one that sucks the earth until it is chopped by a man,

killed by a lightning or an elephant's trunk

No tree can run.
 

Slogans

Slogans are moulds for fixed ideas

they petrify thought

harden it into a rock

wow, what a pretty rock you've got

hurl slogans and shout

your mouth is the slingshot.
 

Memes

Memes are so super duper awesome

Words don't even amount to half as much

What are letters compared to pixels?

Millions of them versus just twenty six.

 

Memes are the future, words are the past

Because memes are built of the right stuff

They stimulate our senses, just like a drug

They come into view, eyes open like a mouth

 

Memes multiply

As they are shared by

Memes fly

Faster than you can say "hi"

 

Memes are to words

like emotions are to thoughts

they are the hallmarks of our digital epoch

they are the cream of wit that a very fine razor shaves off

 

One meme here, one meme there

Can speak louder than one thousand words or more

They make sentences redundant

along with paragraphs, verses and exclamation marks!

 

Memes are produced en masse

and some memes sometimes become massively viral 

they leave us speechless, wordless, aghast 

Memes are great, memes are art

 

The written word is a like dinosaur

is to a robot, a meme is far more avant-guard

a word is like a tree composing symphonies to the forest's wind

a meme is like an invisible hand playing violin to an ant's fart. 

My least favourite things

Beavers with plastic forks, banana eating tigers

Snakes pretending to be nice, bunnies pretending to be mean

And anything else that tries its best to be, something other than what it is

Are only some, of my least favorite things.

 

Elephants on stilts, poop on the window sill

Silent farts, hair on a tennis ball

Fake jewelry, too much lipstick

Spilled milk, Cows who know it all

 

I also hate it when they promote ideology

as a parking spot for handicapped minds

who formulate their questions as answers

and can only express wonder by saying "really?"

 

Anyways

I also hate this word

and all other words like it

for they sit in a sentence like tooth decays 

adding nothing to the meaning. 

 

Drilling sounds make me wince so bad

That is why I dislike dentists

Like I hate whoever's talking to me

while I can't talk back.

 

I also hate to think of things I hate

for I'd rather be glad

not thinking about what

makes me so sad

and I hate this poem.

For a dog

For I am a dog, therefore

For I can lick my ass, and more

For I can bark sincere, before

For running off, what for?

 

For I have a name, I'm For

For I have an owner, he owns

For he picks my poop, up

For like who picks up yours, or not.

 

For I am a good dog, sit!

For I play, poop, eat, sleep

For if I am sad like a poet

For my sad yelps are epic.

 

For I was also once, a pup

For I learned my lessons, some

For they treat me like a little baby, silly

For it suits me just fine, really. 

 

For I easily make friends with other dogs big strange and small, and I say

For they are strangely lovely stinking animals, no way

For that's no problem, for why

For So am I.


For I am someone's dog, that's true

There For, whose dog are you?
 

I, I and I

I am a dog

you are a tree

I nice to meet 

I must pee



I'd love to see

Trees on a leash

A Snorkel on a fish
 
Big angry God on a wish



I am a dog

you are a bird

I jump at you

you hurl a turd

 

I am a dog

or rather were

I jumped at you

I am no more.

The Paranoid Cannibal Snake

You have probably met me

or my evil twin

slithering in the grass hissing

or in a bad dream.

 

I must tell me that I am afraid of you

but I am mostly afraid of my own kin

for I know that each and every single one of them

is after my skin.

 

I can see it in their eyes

I can sense it in their x-ray vision 

Their poison filled heads shine with murderous thirst

Wanting to swallow me whole head first

 

I ran away from home as soon as I was born  

For my mama tried to put me right back into her belly 

My brothers and sisters were not so lucky

She ate them all then proceeded to eat daddy

 

Needless to say, my life since then has been a living hell

I don't even know who of my slimy pals will attack next

Every single one is suspect, but it is so hard to tell

There are so many of them left, Except for the one I just ate.

I'm a vegetarian

I am a vegetarian cause I will eat anything a vegetarian eats

I shape my pork as carrots, make fish look like seaweed

Make ground beef look like beans, chicken look like peas

I flavor it to taste like them, to hide my carnivorous tendencies.

in a few worms

There are so many worms in this place

Some alive, some dead, some not here yet

Some are long and slimy, some are fat

Some live in the dirt, some live in your cat

Now that I think of it, some live in yourself

 

Some worms swim, no worm flies

If it gets cut in half, worm multiplies

Some worms have sex, just for fun

Some worms have penises, others are one

 

Some worms stand up, but they can't sit down

Some worms live in the country, some down town

Some worms are disgusting, others are delicious

depends on who you are asking, yourself or your chicken

 

Some worms come out after the rain

Then dry up in the sun

A dead worm is eaten by smaller worms

then those worms move on.

 

I also want to say that those worms also eat you after you are dead

But I don't want you to be upset

So let's say you go to the other world, in heaven, hell or some place

And leave it at that.

Roadkill

Roadkill is road killed over and over again by passing automobiles

Until it is flattened such that you can't tell a squirrel from a toad

And all that we can deduce from it is one of many evidential failures

Of some unfortunate animal's reason for attempting to cross the road.

About a virtue

Determination is a virtue

but learn when to give up

For no one is more determined

than a fly against the glass.

Chickens

Chickens are right up there

on the menu of any restaurant 

We eat so many of them

yet, they are still around

 

If you ask me what came at the beginning

the chicken or the egg?

I'd say the chicken

marinated with poultry seasoning

 

Chickens have feathers

and ruffle their feathers all the time

they peck nonstop at gravel

and waste no time making love

 

Chickens have wings but can not fly

they are called chicken wings in restaurants

which are my favourites along with chicken breasts 

but their beaks are pretty hard.

little bird

How small and cute the little bird

You say while petting him lovingly

but if you were a little worm

gigantic and scary he would be

 

the food chain hangs around the world's neck

its oldest and most ornate jewelry

any chink in the chain ponders all the ways

to turn the chink below into its poop and pee

 

of mice and rats

The mice are pretty lively

in the mice hideouts

they talk of mice and giant rats

and dream of dead cats

 

One mouse he is a poet

full of tales of rain of grain

full of cheese and bread

and of cats in pain.

 

The mice they all laughed

then soon they fell asleep

with dreams of cats ending up as roadkill on their prowls

and thoughts of embalmed and stuffed owls.

reincarnation

I am the reincarnation

of a great single-celled organism 

yet the only thing I remember

is that time I was a lizard

 

If I were to reincarnate again

I'd prefer to be a dog

then the only thing I'd recall 

is which tree I peed on

 

Then after my few years as a dog are up

I hope my spirit flees into an impregnated furry bitch

So that I'll be some kind of a dog all over again

and never have to wonder which.

sneeze

Everybody hates so sneeze

they try to suppress and fight it

for while coughing is just fine

sneezing out loud is not polite

 

A sneeze is even worse than a fart

in drawing shame and disgust

because a sneeze disperses bugs

and nasty, deadly ones, far and wide

 

We try to deprive the sneeze of its noise

and try to block the mucus' path

completely at random the sneeze attacks

due to a cold, allergy or hair in the nose 

 

in a few words to sneeze it sucks

it wakes up dogs or armed guards

when you are breaking out of jail

sneaking out of bed or robbing a bank

 

We show religious compassion towards the sneezer

and say "bless you" when one sneezes out loud

"thank you" is the usual response with a guilty smile

you rarely say "bless you" when someone farts

(unless they sneeze and fart at the same time)

Skeleton

Hey Skeleton

you look pretty thin

with that lipless smile

and those crooked teeth.

 

You must have been fleshy before

full of carnal desires and needs

what could you possibly want more

your flesh is gone feeding the weeds

 

you must have had many friends too

(most of them worms)

How come you are all alone, are you?

Skeleton?

 

I need your bony toe

to scratch an itch

in the ear

of my fear

 

I hear

 

I hear howls and barking

Skeleton go hide and be gone

for a dog or two is coming

and they want your biggest bone



Office Politics

The office is a tiny orifice

where ant-like people work

arriving in morning commute

and leaving by five o clock.

 

Little women and men, faces tightly pressed

from outside of the glass every business day

stretch their tongue for the crumbs of the cake of power

in their own little people way

every minute of the hour.

 

Office politics is raw meat

left inside an office drawer

mixed with office odors reeks

like a skunk in the shower

 

Small women and men with this and that

they talk and whisper he said she said

and work side by side and bit by bit

and was by was and is Mr, Mrs and Miss

not at all bothered at the very least

by the busy maggots of office politics.

The Purple Goat

(With much respect for a mythical imaginary beast, which is quite impressive, to say the least!)
I have never seen a purple goat

& I don't think that one exists

But if it does, you'd better watch out!

Not to mistake it for a purple sheep.

A Moose

A Moose was recently found dead in the snow 

with over 80,000 living ticks on Moose welfare

while to the Moose this is so unfair 

here are a few things you must be aware

unless you are a tick or you don't care



The Moose is a Canadian Elephant 

With a very big head and no tusk

It moves through the forest like nature's tank

and eats lots of trees, grass, and shrubs.

 

Just like the Elephant the Moose gets annoyed

At little people driving around her neighborhood

That sometimes puts the Moose in a bad mood

So it squashes someone's car into a little block of wood.

 

Respect the Moose, don't get too near

Don't drive towards her or throw a beer

If you do that, then she will teach you fear

by squashing your tiny head into your rear.

Meteor strike

Oh you violent extraterrestrial cold alien rock

Object of exotic minerals and interstellar dust

Obelisk of future religions

Poop of cosmic pigeons

 

One day your atoms may form part of our genes

Or end up as components of the soul's crutch

Of course, this is wishful thinking or asking for too much

but at the very least some of you will end up in our lunch

 

Your impact was swift and profound

As we wander if we could prevent

such impacts in another round

of the earth, make a dent.

Order

There is order in nature

(or so they say)

of mountains and gorges

and lesser hills and waterways

 

There is order in life

(long live the government)

although there is struggle and strife

and lots of time you are happy or sad

 

order is a gravitational force

(pulling everything back in)

when the boiling heart of a volcano stops

spewing chaos and mountain tops

 

Order bosses atoms and their particles around

(putting everyone in their place)

replacing the loud silence of spontaneous vibrations

with the dull melody of noise

 

The order God is a rule of thumb

ordering other orders around

order is obedience's drug

soul's tranquilizer dart

 

There is order in reason

when thoughts line up like ducks

at the command of the weather boss 

which makes snow fall in the right season

 

There is order too

in the syntax of things

and chaos

in the underlying meanings.

Got a gut thinking

The Mind

is Gut's

Advocate.

The snail

I just stepped on a snail, poor thing, I felt bad in fact

It must have felt like a turtle trampled by an elephant

Yet evolution is at work, by taking this slow snail out

The future belongs to faster snails with harder shells 

or snails who hide under a rock and don't crawl into my path. 

That time you met GOD

Have you ever met GOD?

Shook His hand and said "Hi!"

"Oh well," you might say, "that one time, you did" 

but then, you just bought your ticket to hell

because, well, of course, you would have lied.

average worm

I am an average worm

and that makes me very glum

I wish I was a glow worm

to glow in the dark as I shake my bum

Yet, my future is not so stark

I can clone myself if I'm lonely

I can cut myself in half

So I can have my other half to chat

About my average wormy gripes.

The Universe

The Universe is mostly made of gas

or God's massive interstellar farts

It is more than huge, more than large

It is so big it bends time and freezes light

It tickles the imagination to the death of religion 

It makes us feel smaller than a piece of an atom

It is empty and full, of this and that

It is full of wonder, and this is great

It is empty of meaning, and that is sad.


The universe sleeps

resting on its palm

an ear full

of restless stars.

A thought

Here is a thought

sitting on your soft brain

like the lazy old fat servant

dreaming on his armchair


I don't know anything

but if anything knew me

it would be great

for whatever you hate (like you or me)

there is always something new you'll find in the sea.