“Looking at the menu I said: "I'll take the ox-tongue with rice"
then I looked up and said "wow"
because to my surprise
the waitress was a cow
I looked down at the menu again
"no, no beef then" I mumbled like a hairless dickhead fumbling for his wig
"how 'bout some bacon and eggs?"
"we are out of eggs," she said, "and on top of that, the owner is a pig"
Okay, so, "what is your soup of the day?"
“The chicken soup," she said, "with lettuce"
'But, if I correctly recall when I came this way'
'the doorman who is a cockerel, might take offence'
"Holy cow" - "Yes Sir" - "Okay then,"
"Do you have a seafood dish?"
"We do, but, fyi
the dishwasher is a fish."
"Alright then, is anyone else in this joint
a vegetable of some sort?”
“I'll go with a salad if not"
'Good choice, finally, I thought.'
As I looked over at the kitchen and I said 'what?!'
the cook, a cabbage head, was shaving his carrot.
The Moon is floating up high
taking a bite of a dark sky
A pretty big celestial kite
that comes out at night
People have gone to the Moon
Pretty soon they will go to Mars
Either one is pretty cold
Either one is pretty far
The moon we can clearly see
it is round and pale and bright
it makes tides on rivers and seas
people pray and dogs howl
There is no air on the moon
but there is some human poop
of all the poop we know of
this is the most far flung
The moon is mooning us
with blatant defiance
to sabotage our dreams
of mooner science
We can already buy land on the moon
go up there and drill a hole
have some fun bouncing on it
take a break then bounce some more
Other planets have moons
but this is a special one
not the biggest of them all
but the one closest to us
This, in short, is all that we know
of this big pale space round rock
we might endeavor to know more
and go back, once the earth is gone.
Ant farts are hard to hear
hard to smell yet so near
they cause minor headwinds
in hindsight of tiny hind legs
they cause minor earthquakes
yet nobody is scared, or cares
though many ants can eat an elephant.
There are only four kinds of people in this world
Cretins, Fools, Morons and Lunatics
Some carry hammers, others sticks
either way, they are pretty scary
Oh, and some are bold, others hairy.
There are also only two kinds of animals
Warm blooded animals and ticks
One sucks at having a conscience, the other sucks
Just like you and me
And finally there is only one type of tree
The one that sucks the earth until it is chopped by a man,
killed by a lightning or an elephant's trunk
No tree can run.
Slogans are moulds for fixed ideas
they petrify thought
harden it into a rock
wow, what a pretty rock you've got
hurl slogans and shout
your mouth is the slingshot.
Memes are so super duper awesome
Words don't even amount to half as much
What are letters compared to pixels?
Millions of them versus just twenty six.
Memes are the future, words are the past
Because memes are built of the right stuff
They stimulate our senses, just like a drug
They come into view, eyes open like a mouth
As they are shared by
Faster than you can say "hi"
Memes are to words
like emotions are to thoughts
they are the hallmarks of our digital epoch
they are the cream of wit that a very fine razor shaves off
One meme here, one meme there
Can speak louder than one thousand words or more
They make sentences redundant
along with paragraphs, verses and exclamation marks!
Memes are produced en masse
and some memes sometimes become massively viral
they leave us speechless, wordless, aghast
Memes are great, memes are art
The written word is a like dinosaur
is to a robot, a meme is far more avant-guard
a word is like a tree composing symphonies to the forest's wind
a meme is like an invisible hand playing violin to an ant's fart.
Beavers with plastic forks, banana eating tigers
Snakes pretending to be nice, bunnies pretending to be mean
And anything else that tries its best to be, something other than what it is
Are only some, of my least favorite things.
Elephants on stilts, poop on the window sill
Silent farts, hair on a tennis ball
Fake jewelry, too much lipstick
Spilled milk, Cows who know it all
I also hate it when they promote ideology
as a parking spot for handicapped minds
who formulate their questions as answers
and can only express wonder by saying "really?"
I also hate this word
and all other words like it
for they sit in a sentence like tooth decays
adding nothing to the meaning.
Drilling sounds make me wince so bad
That is why I dislike dentists
Like I hate whoever's talking to me
while I can't talk back.
I also hate to think of things I hate
for I'd rather be glad
not thinking about what
makes me so sad
and I hate this poem.
For I am a dog, therefore
For I can lick my ass, and more
For I can bark sincere, before
For running off, what for?
For I have a name, I'm For
For I have an owner, he owns
For he picks my poop, up
For like who picks up yours, or not.
For I am a good dog, sit!
For I play, poop, eat, sleep
For if I am sad like a poet
For my sad yelps are epic.
For I was also once, a pup
For I learned my lessons, some
For they treat me like a little baby, silly
For it suits me just fine, really.
For I easily make friends with other dogs big strange and small, and I say
For they are strangely lovely stinking animals, no way
For that's no problem, for why
For So am I.
For I am someone's dog, that's true
There For, whose dog are you?
I am a dog
you are a tree
I nice to meet
I must pee
I'd love to see
Trees on a leash
A Snorkel on a fish
Big angry God on a wish
I am a dog
you are a bird
I jump at you
you hurl a turd
I am a dog
or rather were
I jumped at you
I am no more.
You have probably met me
or my evil twin
slithering in the grass hissing
or in a bad dream.
I must tell me that I am afraid of you
but I am mostly afraid of my own kin
for I know that each and every single one of them
is after my skin.
I can see it in their eyes
I can sense it in their x-ray vision
Their poison filled heads shine with murderous thirst
Wanting to swallow me whole head first
I ran away from home as soon as I was born
For my mama tried to put me right back into her belly
My brothers and sisters were not so lucky
She ate them all then proceeded to eat daddy
Needless to say, my life since then has been a living hell
I don't even know who of my slimy pals will attack next
Every single one is suspect, but it is so hard to tell
There are so many of them left, Except for the one I just ate.
I am a vegetarian cause I will eat anything a vegetarian eats
I shape my pork as carrots, make fish look like seaweed
Make ground beef look like beans, chicken look like peas
I flavor it to taste like them, to hide my carnivorous tendencies.
There are so many worms in this place
Some alive, some dead, some not here yet
Some are long and slimy, some are fat
Some live in the dirt, some live in your cat
Now that I think of it, some live in yourself
Some worms swim, no worm flies
If it gets cut in half, worm multiplies
Some worms have sex, just for fun
Some worms have penises, others are one
Some worms stand up, but they can't sit down
Some worms live in the country, some down town
Some worms are disgusting, others are delicious
depends on who you are asking, yourself or your chicken
Some worms come out after the rain
Then dry up in the sun
A dead worm is eaten by smaller worms
then those worms move on.
I also want to say that those worms also eat you after you are dead
But I don't want you to be upset
So let's say you go to the other world, in heaven, hell or some place
And leave it at that.
Roadkill is road killed over and over again by passing automobiles
Until it is flattened such that you can't tell a squirrel from a toad
And all that we can deduce from it is one of many evidential failures
Of some unfortunate animal's reason for attempting to cross the road.
Determination is a virtue
but learn when to give up
For no one is more determined
than a fly against the glass.
Chickens are right up there
on the menu of any restaurant
We eat so many of them
yet, they are still around
If you ask me what came at the beginning
the chicken or the egg?
I'd say the chicken
marinated with poultry seasoning
Chickens have feathers
and ruffle their feathers all the time
they peck nonstop at gravel
and waste no time making love
Chickens have wings but can not fly
they are called chicken wings in restaurants
which are my favourites along with chicken breasts
but their beaks are pretty hard.
How small and cute the little bird
You say while petting him lovingly
but if you were a little worm
gigantic and scary he would be
the food chain hangs around the world's neck
its oldest and most ornate jewelry
any chink in the chain ponders all the ways
to turn the chink below into its poop and pee
The mice are pretty lively
in the mice hideouts
they talk of mice and giant rats
and dream of dead cats
One mouse he is a poet
full of tales of rain of grain
full of cheese and bread
and of cats in pain.
The mice they all laughed
then soon they fell asleep
with dreams of cats ending up as roadkill on their prowls
and thoughts of embalmed and stuffed owls.
I am the reincarnation
of a great single-celled organism
yet the only thing I remember
is that time I was a lizard
If I were to reincarnate again
I'd prefer to be a dog
then the only thing I'd recall
is which tree I peed on
Then after my few years as a dog are up
I hope my spirit flees into an impregnated furry bitch
So that I'll be some kind of a dog all over again
and never have to wonder which.
Everybody hates so sneeze
they try to suppress and fight it
for while coughing is just fine
sneezing out loud is not polite
A sneeze is even worse than a fart
in drawing shame and disgust
because a sneeze disperses bugs
and nasty, deadly ones, far and wide
We try to deprive the sneeze of its noise
and try to block the mucus' path
completely at random the sneeze attacks
due to a cold, allergy or hair in the nose
in a few words to sneeze it sucks
it wakes up dogs or armed guards
when you are breaking out of jail
sneaking out of bed or robbing a bank
We show religious compassion towards the sneezer
and say "bless you" when one sneezes out loud
"thank you" is the usual response with a guilty smile
you rarely say "bless you" when someone farts
(unless they sneeze and fart at the same time)
you look pretty thin
with that lipless smile
and those crooked teeth.
You must have been fleshy before
full of carnal desires and needs
what could you possibly want more
your flesh is gone feeding the weeds
you must have had many friends too
(most of them worms)
How come you are all alone, are you?
I need your bony toe
to scratch an itch
in the ear
of my fear
I hear howls and barking
Skeleton go hide and be gone
for a dog or two is coming
and they want your biggest bone
The office is a tiny orifice
where ant-like people work
arriving in morning commute
and leaving by five o clock.
Little women and men, faces tightly pressed
from outside of the glass every business day
stretch their tongue for the crumbs of the cake of power
in their own little people way
every minute of the hour.
Office politics is raw meat
left inside an office drawer
mixed with office odors reeks
like a skunk in the shower
Small women and men with this and that
they talk and whisper he said she said
and work side by side and bit by bit
and was by was and is Mr, Mrs and Miss
not at all bothered at the very least
by the busy maggots of office politics.
I have never seen a purple goat
& I don't think that one exists
But if it does, you'd better watch out!
Not to mistake it for a purple sheep.
A Moose was recently found dead in the snow
with over 80,000 living ticks on Moose welfare
while to the Moose this is so unfair
here are a few things you must be aware
unless you are a tick or you don't care
The Moose is a Canadian Elephant
With a very big head and no tusk
It moves through the forest like nature's tank
and eats lots of trees, grass, and shrubs.
Just like the Elephant the Moose gets annoyed
At little people driving around her neighborhood
That sometimes puts the Moose in a bad mood
So it squashes someone's car into a little block of wood.
Respect the Moose, don't get too near
Don't drive towards her or throw a beer
If you do that, then she will teach you fear
by squashing your tiny head into your rear.
Oh you violent extraterrestrial cold alien rock
Object of exotic minerals and interstellar dust
Obelisk of future religions
Poop of cosmic pigeons
One day your atoms may form part of our genes
Or end up as components of the soul's crutch
Of course, this is wishful thinking or asking for too much
but at the very least some of you will end up in our lunch
Your impact was swift and profound
As we wander if we could prevent
such impacts in another round
of the earth, make a dent.
There is order in nature
(or so they say)
of mountains and gorges
and lesser hills and waterways
There is order in life
(long live the government)
although there is struggle and strife
and lots of time you are happy or sad
order is a gravitational force
(pulling everything back in)
when the boiling heart of a volcano stops
spewing chaos and mountain tops
Order bosses atoms and their particles around
(putting everyone in their place)
replacing the loud silence of spontaneous vibrations
with the dull melody of noise
The order God is a rule of thumb
ordering other orders around
order is obedience's drug
soul's tranquilizer dart
There is order in reason
when thoughts line up like ducks
at the command of the weather boss
which makes snow fall in the right season
There is order too
in the syntax of things
in the underlying meanings.
I just stepped on a snail, poor thing, I felt bad in fact
It must have felt like a turtle trampled by an elephant
Yet evolution is at work, by taking this slow snail out
The future belongs to faster snails with harder shells
or snails who hide under a rock and don't crawl into my path.
Have you ever met GOD?
Shook His hand and said "Hi!"
"Oh well," you might say, "that one time, you did"
but then, you just bought your ticket to hell
because, well, of course, you would have lied.
I am an average worm
and that makes me very glum
I wish I was a glow worm
to glow in the dark as I shake my bum
Yet, my future is not so stark
I can clone myself if I'm lonely
I can cut myself in half
So I can have my other half to chat
About my average wormy gripes.
The Universe is mostly made of gas
or God's massive interstellar farts
It is more than huge, more than large
It is so big it bends time and freezes light
It tickles the imagination to the death of religion
It makes us feel smaller than a piece of an atom
It is empty and full, of this and that
It is full of wonder, and this is great
It is empty of meaning, and that is sad.
The universe sleeps
resting on its palm
an ear full
of restless stars.
Here is a thought
sitting on your soft brain
like the lazy old fat servant
dreaming on his armchair
I don't know anything
but if anything knew me
it would be great
for whatever you hate (like you or me)
there is always something new you'll find in the sea.